"Something that you may not know is that I ask God every day to help you to feel happy. I may not know how bad it really is but I am aware how you suffer from depression. I hurt for you. It makes my heart ache to know you are so sad. And maybe your depression is what keeps you away from me but I can't suffer with you. It hurts too much. I do love you, David, and I always will. You have an incredibly beautiful soul. I feel like I have to battle the demons that torture your beautiful soul and I just can't fight them anymore. It exhausts me."
I spent the better half of the day reading that and re-reading it. Again. And again. And again. At this point, I can almost recite it by heart. It will be the last time I’ll ever hear from her so I suppose I should carry something from her with me, something in me. Those words are what will carry on within me.
It’s always been easier for me to be mad than sad. However, I just can’t be mad at her. I can’t hate her. In fact, I thank her. I thank her for loving me and I applaud her for being clear headed and strong enough to go elsewhere in her pursuit of happiness. I care enough to offer her that out. And she took it. Of course I did encourage it, despite the fact that it pained me greatly, but it was the right thing for me to do...or so I hope it was. (I did do the right thing, didn’t I?)
Part of me feels deserted, but another part of me knows I brought this upon myself. In a way, I deserve to feel alone. Although I also deserve to get better, if not for her anymore, at least for myself and for every person I ever find myself involved with in the present or in the future. I owe at least that. To her. To me. To them. They say you have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. I definitely don’t love myself right now and I feel almost guilty for anyone to love me. In my mind I can’t help but question why would they. I realize that is an extremely fucked up way of thinking.
So I’ve decided to make a promise that most likely will be left unheard.
I promise to get better. I promise to be better. I promise to be a better man. The man you somehow saw in me before the "demons" overshadowed my smile and left me in a dark place. That guy will return. New and improved. Positive and strong. I think he’s in there. No, I KNOW he’s in there. I’m going to find him and bring him to the surface once again.
The clown mask I wear every day is becoming harder and harder to pass off as genuine. So I need to take a different approach in life because if you think you’re exhausted, just imagine how I feel.
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14 comments:
http://www.joecwik.com/2008/02/thoughts-generated-by-another-blogger.html
I think it says it.
Perhaps looking up may help. You can't do it by yourself, you know.
When those nearly exact thought enter my mind I know I've got problems. It comes and goes with me, but seems to have improved a great deal over the year. Is there anyone you could go see to get over this hump? I know how lonely it is. So does my dog. Let me know if there's any way I can help, after all, you do deserve to be happy and sometimes it's just hard finding our way.
I love you poop head and I believe that you can conquer this bad boy of the mind.
If I can do it you can do it. Just keep chasing it away and eventually it will give up, when you stop giving into it.
You have so many wonderful characteristics don't waste them on sadness. You're good looking intelligent and creative.
I wouldn't be a blogger if it wasn't for you. Think of what I put you through and have a good laugh.
I pestered you to death you know I did.
I'm a better person for having met you, having you as my friend is an honor.
I think you need strippers. lots of dirty filthy whorish strippers that will do anything & everything you can think of.
T&A always cheers me up. lets go clubbing this weekend
God I really like Mike.lol
I think it's a great idea Mike, he needs a good time.
No T&A for me. The strip club just seems blah. Wow, did I just say that? I am in need of some help.
I'm thinking about going to the basketball game. Bet you didn't know we even had a team! Pittsburgh Explosion, not sure if they are any good but you are welcome to come with Mike.
omg... I just briefly posted about this same damn thing today.
I feel like I spend more of my time ruining relationships in my life, unintentionally, because I have tortured myself, and my selfesteem for so long. Hell... I still do it. I make people miserable and exhausted because of the darkness that lurks in my own head. It's miserable, and after almost pushing my boyfriend away (an uncountable amount of times) and seeing that sadness in his eyes for me, and what I put him through I have decided to seek help. I am mad and ashamed that I can't fix it myself... but I just can't... and it needs fixed. I don't want to do this to myself, and the people I love anymore.
So... yeah... right there with ya. You are too good of a guy to do this to yourself. Get happy, get healthy.
Life is way too short to be sad/depressed all the time. Try to be happy you deserve it, we all do. :)
We all wrestle with being happy or depressed from time to time. My mom was depressed the other day and I was trying to cheer her up, only to have her tell me that there are just up's and down's and she assured me she'd be up eventually. In short there are a million and one cliche things to say to cheer someone up, but the simplest tend to impact us the most and are also the easiest to forget. No worries, your upswing will come soon enough.
I had no idea. Thank you for sharing. I knew there was a reason you stood out and I just had to become your friend. I understand like you wouldn't believe. I am sorry you are hurting. But if I can hold an umbrella for you, it would be my pleasure. Only those that experience this can truly understand it. I have known my best friend since we were 6-and she still doesn't get it. I have learned that it is a daily thing that you must deal with. It is a part of you. Born of anger, self esteem issues, whatever....
But no matter which path you take to cope, the answers are within you; and you my friend are amazing and you will overcome whatever is holding back your warm, bright soul.
you are so brave to put this out there. and so incredibly brave to so incredibly self-aware. i honestly think that is half the battle. but please know that you DO deserve to be loved. we all have stuff to work through -- it's what makes us human. the beauty is not in completing the process, but the process itself. the journey. and all we can do along the way is strive to be better, be honest to and authentic with ourselves, and allow others to love us...flaws and all.
Marissa...
Remember not long ago when your father died, what I said, the impact my words had on you? Well at the time I had no idea both you and your Mom would find the comfort you did in something I would say. And I guess now I finally know how you must have felt because what you said right here had the same impact on me.
So thank you.
(It also doesn’t hurt that you are one hell of a writer and you have a way with words, naturally.)
My clown mask became more of a frowning mimie for years, but my demons have be passed and I am in a happier place. I hope you can find yours, and I have never found love at a strip club. Strippers remind me more of seagulls at the beach when you have a bucket of disco fires. "Mine?"
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