I wrote a post awhile back titled Understanding Anger.
For someone who often hates his own writing, I felt it was one of my better pieces to date. So I wanted to write a second piece about Anger's close cousin - Blame.
Blame isn't about about right and wrong. And it's not about someone else at all. Blame is an internal war. Similar to anger, blame is just another mask for pain. Anger is a symptom of something deeper. It is never the problem. The real problem is hurt, fear, and/or frustration. The same could be said for blame.
We like to numb our pain. It's what we do. One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. When we get our heart broken we engage in "rebound sex" or quickly find ourselves entering in to a "rebound relationship." It numbs the pain and temporarily fills the void. But it never heals the true, deeper problem lying underneath. We do the same with alcohol or when we consume ourselves in our work and hobbies. It's another lame attempt to distract ourselves from the pain so we don't have to deal with it.
Even those who take a healthier route and choose meditation say they meditate because it clears their heart and mind. But really many just use their meditation time as an acceptable quiet place to escape to so they are no longer forced to feel. In today's society, meditation has become the trendiest of all masks.
We numb because we don't want to feel, that's obvious. And one of the easiest ways to keep yourself from feeling anything is to make it about someone (often anyone) other than yourself. To push your shit out on them so it doesn't stack up inside of you. To point blame.
The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. I'm right. You're wrong. Shut up. That's it. Just certain. Politics aren't any different. They're is nothing but mud slinging and finger pointing. There's no discourse anymore. No conversation. Just blame. Blame is simply a way to discharge pain and discomfort. We perfect. We blame.
Nowhere is blame more prevalent than in the falling out of a relationship. Few people like to take responsibility for their fair share of the damage. Instead they blame. They point a finger at the other person because it's easier than pointing a finger at themselves. It's easier to say "something is wrong with him/her because clearly the problem couldn't lie in me!" Again, we perfect. We blame.
I also believe blame stands in for fear. Fear we will be proven wrong. Fear they will be proven right, or always were right. Fear is a strong emotion that makes us feel weak. But blame on the other hand is a weak action that makes us feel strong! So it's easy to see why many replace fear with blame. It's the safer, more manageable choice.
Blame is ugly. Blame is weak. Blame is wrong. But above all, blame is just an excuse to mask one's internal pain. And understanding what blame really is the first step in rising above the blame game.
What about you? Where in your life right now are you guilty of pointing blame? And how do you plan on rising above it?
5 comments:
"Blame is an internal war."
This is so true.
What of those who chose to blame themselves..even when it defies all logic to blame themselves?
Yes, there are some people who would much prefer to blame anyone but themselves because it means they never have to face up to their own failings; maybe even attempt to improve themselves. I am in fact related to a number of those people!
There are others, though, who believe if something is wrong it must be because of them. They search and search inside of themselves to find the cause of the failure. A lot of the time it just erodes their self esteem further because if you don't know why your behaviour is causing a reaction (or you're unable to see that you do not hold such a power over life or other people) then you become afraid of acting or reacting to anything.
The only safe way is to get permission for every behaviour you exhibit. You become unable to adapt to different reactions to the same situations from the same people because it becomes too confusing - how will I know which way I am "supposed" to act?
For those that blame themselves, I would tell them to read this Guest Post I wrote...
It's titled F*cking Perfect.
I think blame is possibly one of the most stubborn emotions we have. You can diffuse anger, cheer up sadness and embrace happiness. Blame? Blame is a whole new ball park, my friend.
I think every single one of us will have had an experience where we try to make some see either they are to blame or not to blame. It doesn't matter what we say or show them; the blame is staying.
I don't no what it is that stops us taking on board the advice of others in relation to blame. Blame is a belief we almost hold up to a fact of life. I believe I/they are at fault so they/I am.
It's interesting that you relate blame and anger together. When I was breaking free of my self-blame cloud that had been around since birth, it was anger - righteous anger, that saved me.
If blaming someone else is us constantly diverting our anger outwards, self-blame the opposite, it is with learning that we or they deserve better from us that sets our freedom in motion. We start to direct our anger to where it belongs and we (hopefully) get to a point of balance where we can accept our own responsibility and also see the responsibility others have.
How you get a person to find that righteous anger...well, that's the difficult part.
Blame is an interesting topic. Blame comes from a Victim mentality (since we all have a Victim archetype) - and depending on how strong it is, will determine how we much and for how LONG we blame others. If your Victim archetype is super powerful, everything is everyone else's fault and never your own.
Additionally, there are two ways we process pain: internally and externally. If a person externalizes their blame (ie: acting out) they're more likely to not just blame you for their problems but to also act aggressively toward you. And the method in how that blame manifests depends on the person - like, someone might be really emotionally manipulative for example.
Someone who internalizes their pain might be more subtle about it - passive aggressive, quick to anger but also quick to apologize and then blame themselves for the whole transaction.
And like I've told you before - it all boils down to self-esteem. Both cases are instances of poor self-esteem. Blame is about a lapse in perception; your concept of reality is skewed of both yourself and the world you live in. Blame suggests that you don't entirely understand the part you play in your own life or the lives of others.
I think it's apt how you mention meditation. People treat it like it's a type of therapy - and it's not. Go to a real therapist, skip the yoga. Hah. And you're right, yoga is super trendy for it "clearing of the mind" when in reality, any type of exercise can do that. I think people like it because it's a low impact exercise regiment that makes you seem really cool.
Great post!
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