We all have things we don't tell anyone about. Big things. Scary things. Confusing, embarrassing and shameful things. This is one of my things.
I suffer from panic attacks.
They don't happen often. I had my first in 2007. A second and a third one followed a few months later. Then I was fine for a couple years and recently they started up again. My last one occurred just last week. That might not seem like a lot, or maybe it is but I'm no doctor. Although for me it's enough. It's enough that I now know what they are and I know enough to know that it isn't normal. I haven't told a sole what I'm going through, not even my doctor. I know what you're thinking. You're probably wondering..."if he knows he suffers from panic attacks and knows it is a problem, why the hell doesn't he seek help?"
And as a logical person your next question is probably..."if he is scared or confused or embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it, how the hell can he blog about it - TO AN ENTIRE WORLD OF STRANGERS!"
I don't really have a good answer to that. I will say this though. It's often easier for me to write how I feel than to verbalize it. I think the reason why is because this computer screen is a silent court. It doesn't judge. It doesn't have a mouth that drops open in shock. It doesn't have eyes that widen or roll. It doesn't sigh heavily with disgust or frustration. And it doesn't have a face filled with sorrow or disappointment. It's emotionless. It's numb to what I have to say and that makes it easier for me to say things - ugly, unpleasant things like "I suffer from panic attacks."
There's that word again - suffer. I hate that word! People use it so others can feel sorry for them. To say, I suffer from this or that. The truth is most people don't have to suffer at all. In a way, I choose to suffer by not seeking the help I know I need. To play the helpless victim is inexcusable. Writing this post instead of talking to my doctor is inexcusable. People who
Like anything we are scared to talk about, I have a lot of frightening "what if" scenarios haunting me. What if I have an attack in front of all my employees at work? I'm supposed to be cool, calm, and collected. A boss is to be in charge and have everything under control at all times. What if I fail to be that guy? What if I train for an entire year to BASE jump and when Bridge Day finally arrives I lose it in front of 200,000 people? What if I'm lying in bed with a beautiful girl sleeping quietly beside me and she awakes to find me in the middle of a panic attack (oddly enough they usually occur in the wee hours of the morning, waking me in my sleep). That's sooo unsexy and she will think I'm a total nutcase! I don't want her to witness any of that! These are just a few of my fears. And these fears only increase my anxiety and the likelihood that I will trigger the very thing I fear most - having another panic attack.
I try not to think about it though. I try not to bring the attacks upon myself. I try to relax and worry less. But just like any other problem you sweep under the rug, it eventually resurfaces later in life. It's nature's way of forcing you to deal with the mess you once pushed away and tried to hide from the world, as well as from yourself. Life is a bitch like that. And life is also beautiful like that. It forces you to feel things you need to feel and deal with things you need to deal with. It's through that difficulty that we grow and through that pain that we heal. I am being taught that - the hard way.
So I leave you with this question to ask yourself. Where is there lingering pain in your life that you have swept under the rug? And how do you plan on cleaning it up? Because trust me when I say, you don't want to learn the hard way.
31 comments:
I deal with personal issues 2 ways:
1. I run. A lot.
2. I see a therapist. I'm down to monthly visits and found it to be cathartic. I can say what's on my mind and get objective advice from a 3rd party who has no involvement or attachment in any way shape or form. And sometimes there's not advice to give, just someone to listen to who won't judge me. It's very liberating.
I deal by running a lot too. Ideally 5 miles, 3-5 times a week.
I can never see myself going to a therapist though. I'm not good with touchy feely talks, especially with a stranger.
Your response comment to Naomi ("I'm not good with touchy feely talks, especially with a stranger.") solidified your post's sentences in bold.
You're not good with "talks," yet you are able to open up so much through a computer screen to, as you put it, an entire world of strangers. You might think and feel that your computer screen is a silent court, but behind every screen, there is person who identifies with you, in one way or another. Without judging. Without being indifferent. And with plenty of different kinds of emotion.
I started experiencing panic attacks after 9/11. My doctor wasn't able to "treat" or "cure" me in any way. Much like many medical doctors, he just prescribed an anti-anxiety medication - a cheap band-aid to cover up the symptoms. I took one pill and then stopped. I chose to fight on my own and to learn to prevent them the best way I could. Just like you, I refuse to accept that I SUFFER from anything that is beyond me or my powers. I became more aware of my actions, my thoughts, the choices I made, situations I put myself in... they all helped me in conquering all my fears. Little by little. One day at a time.
You are at least choosing to acknowledge the issue and are willing and open to get a handle on it from here on out. Hard way or not, you are choosing the fight a battle that you need to believe that ultimately you will win.
Because life indeed is a bitch like that. But life is also beautiful like that, too.
My lingering pain is denying how badly I wish to madly fall head over heels in love. Out of this world, crazy, disgusting love. I want to believe that it exists, but my fears keep my heart chained. Perhaps I'll be ready to clean up the mess once it will be too late... Perhaps I'll never even know how to go about cleaning up the mess. I hope, in due time, to find some answers.
David, I'm right with you on not being great with "touchy feely talks." I have spent the majority of my life being completely anti-therapy. Desperate times called for desperate measures though, and after a few sessions, I realized that I had been sorely mistaken about what it is that therapists do. Mine specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which is all about retraining your brain and perspectives, becoming more in tune with your body's signals, that kind of stuff. You should look into it, you'd probably find it interesting.
That being said, I have no idea if CBT would help you with panic attacks, but I wish you the best of luck with finding some sort of relief.
I write as well. It's therapeutic. Speaking of which, therapists, I would imagine, are like the human version of an emotionless blog. Good therapists anyway. They're supposed to leave their own thoughts and opinions out of it and simply help you work out what you think and how to change the things you want to change.
Also, no girl who is right for you would be completely turned off by your panic attacks. Everyone has "issues," and we accept and support those we love in spite of, or perhaps because of, their "issues." So I don't think you need to worry about that.
I'm sure you're probably right. It's just not something that's very attractive or manly.
In other words, I don't know a single girl that would say "I want a guy that has panic attacks - that's hot!"
@David, having panic attacks is definitely not something you'd want to openly go around advertising to someone you're seeing. I want you to know though that it's NOT different for a woman - I have a hard time letting my guard down and sharing such a personal, fear-driven issue with someone who might turn around and use it against me. I hate feeling vulnerable about something I have such little control over.
I almost feel a gender role debate coming on, so I will just leave you with this: I don't know a single guy who'd say, "I want a girl with panic attacks - that's hot!" either!
Look at you all opening up and stuff! Very proud. My worry is that once you have one, more follow because you're subconsiously worrying about the next? Take care of yourself, a doctor's visit may be the best thing for you. Physicals every year are a good thing!
"It's often easier for me to write how I feel than to verbalize it. I think the reason why is because this computer screen is a silent court. It doesn't judge. It doesn't have a mouth that drops open in shock. It doesn't have eyes that widen or roll. It doesn't sigh heavily with disgust or frustration. And it doesn't have a face filled with sorrow or disappointment. It's emotionless. It's numb to what I have to say and that makes it easier for me to say things " These words made my heart melt.
As for your question: "Where is there lingering pain in your life that you have swept under the rug? And how do you plan on cleaning it up?" I wrote about it months ago
http://www.juststandardlines.org/2011/08/10/time-heals-no-wounds/
Cleaning it up? Just dealing with it day by day, staying optimistic and surrounding myself with positive people who care for me. But in my opinion, time does not heal; we just get use to the pain.
Hey David,
I have panic attacks too, enough so that I've been diagnosed with panic disorder. I don't want to say that there isn't really anything to do about it, because each person is different and each person reacts differently to treatment, but for me the best option is to just address them as they happen. Luckily, they have slowed tremendously in the last 3 years.
Anyway, I've had panic attacks in class and in church, and have found that the best way to avoid embarrassment is to excuse myself from the situation and come back after I've calmed down.
Also, panic attacks don't make you weak. Also, of those that have panic attacks, many occur while it is dark out.
You're amazing, David. Don't worry about it too much.
I still have pent up pain because I found out a few weeks ago that my boyfriend at the time was being unfaithful. I think that's just something that time heals though because each day I feel a little less pain. Some things trigger a rush of it crashing back, for the most part though I just keep myself distracted. I have a huge competition this weekend in Pittsburgh so my training for that is keeping me distracted really well with crazy two a days and what not. My goal is to get my body in the best shape it's ever been in and focusing on that is the best because all of the endorphins make you forget all about pain.
I used to have panic attacks as a child. I used to feel paranoid when home alone and used to sleep with knives, and a phone under my pillow. And when I would sleep, there would be times where I would feel paralysed, litterally stuck in my body and I would try so hard to open my eyes, move, do anything and I couldn't. Eventually I learned to deal with my fear which was of course, a result of my fucked up ubringing and perhaps other things. It eventually went away until I tried weed for the first time. I did too much all at once and started feeling out of it, like I was two people at once. Time was slower, things blurred into the background, I couldnt control my racing thoughts and thought I was going to die. I was so scared. My heart started beating so fast I thought it was going to explode-or stop. The anxety persisted even after the effect wore off. And although I've never experience what you've been through, i can understand why you feel like you need to keep it to yourself.But know that there's no shame in that. It's nothing unsual and lots of people suffer from them and with the right coping skills, you can conquer them for good. :)
I don't know a single guy who'd say, "I want a girl with panic attacks - that's hot!" either!
Ha-ha. Touché!
(By the way, Laura you win for best online headshot!)
haha thank you!! It's my headshot for the Miss Pennsylvania USA pageant that's this weekend. Crossing my fingers that I'll win and maybe even get Miss Photogenic.
I had three panic attacks in a month when I was graduating from college, so it was pretty easy to identify the issues causing it - but they were no fun (and definitely happened in front of people) and intensely terrifying.
Writing helps me a lot, but it still kind of feels like holding it in since I'm never sure who is reading or if anyone is really listening. I am lucky to have a friend who I was able to call and she listened to everything. She's never had panic attacks before, but she sat there and listened to everything that was freaking me out and weighing heavily with me. It was nice and helpful.
I also turn to something that's familiar and almost mechanical to me, because the order of it and structure and organization helps me calm down and think things through. For me it's baking (plus I get delicious cookies out of it!), but I recognize that it's beneficial for me since it keeps me busy but clears my head, too.
I'm not sure where this is really going, except perhaps there are close friends who you can talk to about what's worrying you. You don't have to tell him/her/them it's causing panic attacks, but you can at least discuss the issues. I know you've said you're not a good touchy feel talking kinda person, but if it's a good, trusted friend, it might be easier.
Regardless, best of luck with sorting through the panic attacks, and know there's a wealth of people who are here to help and listen in whatever capacity you need :)
People have already been very helpful and supportive since I wrote this post. Very comforting!
One of the reasons I write about "taboo topics" is because few people will. And I think that is a HUGE problem! The reason some topics are labeled taboo is because people refuse to talk about them. They keep them taboo by not giving them a voice! The only way to remove the stigma attached to things like panic attacks, or child molestation, or suicide is to start a conversation about it - regardless of how uncomfortable it is. Because if we can't talk about things, we can't learn. And if we can't learn, how will we ever grow?
As a bonus, I'm always blown away by how many other people step forward after one person musters up the courage to speak out first. Power in numbers I guess. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. And I can only assume it's comforting for others to know they aren't alone too. THAT is why I publicly share things that I much rather keep privately to myself, but know deep down that by sharing it will help others.
In short, I hope that by writing this very uncomfortable post that I've helped others...or at the very least just one other person.
I, too, have panic attacks. I have never been woken up from sleep by them. Rather, I normally cannot sleep, which only adds to the anxiety and dizziness and the accelerated heart rate and the shortness of breath and the hot flashes.
I used to get them most frequently during undergrad. One particular one happened in the middle of the library during a study session with a group of people. It was highly embarrassing and brought on by several factors. Now, it has more to do with not having stable income due to being laid off, trying to complete my Master's Degree, and trying to find a job to which I can apply my Master's degree while convincing Colleges and universities that my experience is transferable.
I found that my gym membership, which I made sure to keep after the lay off, has been very helpful in reducing or countering stresses. If I focus the energy behind the stress into cardio, lifting, or core work, I not only get in a really good workout, but it helps to defuse the situation. Or at least allows me to clear my head and approach matters rationally.
It seems writing is not the only aspect in your life where you are hard on yourself!
Going to a dr for panic attacks is a good idea if you think they are pervading your life so much you need an intervention and or meds but not going isn't something to scold yourself for.
Sometimes your pro activity is inspiring, other times ur stifles your ability to be self compassionate.
I experience panic attacks from time to time: sometimes through PTSD and sometimes just simply because I have anxiety or stress I'm needing to quash so it eventually bubbles over. It takes time to heal from things like crappy childhoods and having the self awareness to recognise that a panic attack is sourced in a memory from that etc is invaluable to change behaviour in future...be careful not to tread over into judgemental when trying to empower people
"be careful not to tread over into judgemental when trying to empower people"
Well said!
wow...i feel so ignorant :s i've suffered from panic attacks once or twice... never thought it was much of a problem though because mostly its a stressful situation that triggered it... weird ... but I hope you deal with it....I'll come write here again if I feel its becoming a problem! Thank you for the post!
p.s. it's the first time I actually decided to comment I'm from Pakistan and have been an on and off reader for quite a while :)
Come on David, you of all people shouldn't feel insecure. You are far to intelligent to be having panic attacks. The next time you feel one of those coming on nip it in the bud, before it gets a good grip on you.
I know you well enough to know that you can do anything you set your mind to.
My God my friend look at what you did for me. You taught one of the most ignorant old lady's in the world how to use the internet and how to blog. And it wasn't easy, I know there were times that you wanted to kill me.
If you can hang in there with a nut like me you can get rid of those panic attacks.
Ask yourself David, what brings on the panic attacks. Usually it's something like insecurity. And you my friend have nothing to feel insecure about. You are a highly intellegent man. You are the 'Boss'. So embrass it and for God sake enjoy it.
Insecurity isn't a problem. Pretty sure it's more stress related. Plus, I keep things to myself so that doesn't help either.
There you go David, you've already found one way of helping yourself to get rid of those panic attacks.
Get rid of some of the stress.
I am intrigued to know the answer but really I want to pose a question for you to answer for yourself.
What is so wrong about being vulnerable in front of people?
Is vulnerability bad?
As an aside, if you have a girl in your bed that you wouldn't want to share a certain amount of vulnerability with, probably shouldn't be there in the first place - after all, nakedness is the ultimate in vulnerability. Apart from that, anyone who rejects you in whatever form in a time of distress is not deserving of friendship, never mind a place in your bed!
I know it is different for guys with the stupid macho persona that gets in the way of allowing men to be more free with themselves and others; no matter how well they express themselves on paper ;)
For the record.. being yourself, warts and all, is sexy. Fact.
I think, rather than paining something like a "panic attack" in a negative light/connotation, we are losing sight of the positive reason for its presence.
Think of it as a wake-up call, a chance to reflect deeper, think of yourself more (meaning YOU, not your job, your goals, your dreams, but who YOU really are and how you feel about yourself). It's a chance to nourish yourself and become more grounded in yourself. And feel happy. That's how I feel about most mental health "issues" and "disorders", they are chances for us to reflect and return to our true selves. A positive opportunity.
This article brought so many thoughts from so many different directions.
I suffer from panic attacks too. After I got dumped by who I thought was the complete love of my life, every day after work, driving home I'd have these panic attacks that would last hours. As soon as I saw a doctor about it and got medicine, they went away (without even using the medicine). Not because I wasn't suddenly alone, but because I knew that there was a venue that if something happened, I could find an immediate fix. Just having that option there made them go away, or at least, dulled them immensely. Doesn't it drive you nuts when people give you advice you don't ask for? ;) Sorry, but I had to.
You're right, it is through the pain that we are healed. But sometimes the rain that we walk through in order to get healed is more than just rain. It's a downpour with wind and hail and it won't stop for weeks, months. It seems like the rain will never end. Sometimes that's what we have to walk through in order to be healed. I heard on Oprah a man speaking about how we are all solid wooden cylinders waiting to become flutes. The Universe, God, whatever, brings trials to us for the purpose of drilling a hole in our wood so that we can be able to sing, because a flue cannot make music until there are holes. The problem is, it hurts to be drilled, we don't like it! So often times, we pull out and scream "STOP!" and take the easy way out before the universe is done drilling. The universe says, "Ok, have it your way." And we take it, because it's easy. And then we can't sing.
Lastly, if the biggest worry you're having is having a beautiful girl wake up to you having a panic attack, clearly you need a reality adjustment. People have real problems. You have it easy in that situation.
Paige
Yes, definitely thinking of it as a "wake up call" - both literally and figuratively.
Our bodies whisper quietly to us when something is wrong. If we don't listen, then they shout to us. If we still don't listen, it turns ugly and physical. So I'm considering this message sent loud and clear!
"Lastly, if the biggest worry you're having is having a beautiful girl wake up to you having a panic attack, clearly you need a reality adjustment. People have real problems. You have it easy in that situation."
I don't think it helps anyone to belittle someone's worries/problems! Having a panic attack in front of someone is something I would think someone who experiences them would know is very unsettling and something that causes a huge amount of anxiety on top of the original stressor.
@Tara, I can see where you're coming from. I don't think Paige was trying to belittle David's hypothetical "in-bed-with-hot-chick panic attack" worry. Sure, any woman who will read that statement - nurturing, estrogen-driven emotions making her squirm in her seat - will scoff and say, "Pft, I would never judge a man who was having a panic attack in my bed!" Guess what? At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. It is our perception of ourselves in certain situations that makes all the difference. No guarantee of any kind of ZERO judgement from the entire universe could really ease the intricacies of our self-perceptions, IMO.
No worries. I'm not easily offended so I didn't really take it as a personal attack.
Hi David,
There's a lot of wisdom in the comments already, but I wanted to add my own.
I had my first panic attack at 20. Ignored it. (Well, after I realized I wasn't dying.) Then, between 20-25 they increased in length, intensity and frequency. Looking back, they were directly related to life stressors. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Felt relief because I knew what it was, but also but mainly pretended it wasn't happening.
Then I turned 29, some stuff happened, and suddenly I couldn't leave my house. At all.
Ruh-roh.
Talk about learning the hard way. My body was all: "You literally ain't going no-where until you face EVERYTHING, woman."
And for the last year, I've been doing just that. I find it ironic that in the year all my fears became a reality was also the year I was the most productive (I wrote and published a book!), the happiest, and the most confident.
I don't 'suffer' from panic attacks anymore. I fucking OWN them now. (Although, don't tell them I said that 'cause they're a bit scary.)
I imagine you wrote this post as a way to begin to deal with. Good job and carry on.
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